


but i am hell bound

by inirwinwethrust (theia)



Series: demons [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Lots of it, M/M, Self-Harm, but still read it pls, so this suddenly became cake, sorry malum lovers, soz omg, tysm bbys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-06
Updated: 2015-09-06
Packaged: 2018-04-19 08:54:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4740404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theia/pseuds/inirwinwethrust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Michael you stupid fuck. You need to come back.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I know where you live, and I will fucking come for you. This sounds like some Taken shit but god, I can't take this anymore.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>You broke him, Mike. You didn't fix anything. You made it all worse with your stupid letter and your stupid decision to leave. Christ, I want to choke you with my bare hands for doing this to Calum.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He barely eats, barely sleeps. Every time he goes to work he breaks something or ends up getting the box cutters and drawing deep lines on his arms. When I asked him why he was cutting himself he said, "I'm tracing my veins, looking for Michael.", and this is so fucking messed up.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I'm tired. I'm scared to death. I'm frustrated. Come back, Michael. Do it for Calum.</i>
</p><p>(sequel to we still are made of greed)</p><p>ON HIATUS AT THE MOMENT!<br/>Second part will be uploaded soon, sorry for the delay!</p>
            </blockquote>





	but i am hell bound

**Author's Note:**

> FINALLY, I decide to write a sequel after eight months. Believe me, I can't believe it either. This particular writer's block hard to overcome, particularly because school started in June and I had little to no time to write. But hey here's the sequel, so yay?
> 
> This is dedicated to **Robinhoebrien**. Thanks for giving me tons of ideas for this sequel, it definitely wouldn't be possible without your lovely comment.
> 
> Anyways, you still do have to read the first part to understand this one. Just click on my profile and look for the work titled **we still are made of greed**. Don't forget to leave kudos if you like it!
> 
> xo Thea

Michael you stupid fuck. You need to come back.

I know where you live, and I will fucking come for you. This sounds like some Taken shit but god, I can't take this anymore.

You broke him, Mike. You didn't fix anything. You made it all worse with your stupid letter and your stupid decision to leave. Christ, I want to choke you with my bare hands for doing this to Calum.

He barely eats, barely sleeps. Every time he goes to work he breaks something or ends up getting the box cutters and drawing deep lines on his arms. When I asked him why he was cutting himself he said, "I'm tracing my veins, looking for Michael.", and this is so fucking messed up.

I'm tired. I'm scared to death. I'm frustrated. Come back, Michael. Do it for Calum.

_sent June 24_

•

He did it again, you know. He bought a gun while I was at my parents. He was about to shoot himself when a policeman saw and forcibly took the gun from him.

This is the second time this month. He's getting obsessed with guns. I searched through his web history and he's been signing up onto gun forums and talking to deer hunters about the most efficient gun for killing.

Do you know how fucking scared I am right now? Do you know what it feels like to have to pick up the pieces of something you broke? You're a fucking child Clifford. You break your toy and expect the adults to put it back together. I wish you'd go to hell.

_sent July 8_

•

I sleep with him sometimes. He says he likes waking up to someone, even if it wasn't you. We never do anything sexual, but he likes being touched. He likes it when I touch his scars and he nuzzles my chest. He's like a child.

He's mine now, you know. I've been nurturing him for the two months you were gone. I'm the one who feeds him and puts him to bed and consoles him when he's crying. And you, where are you? Fucking Ashton and forgetting about the friend you left behind? I thought you were a good person, even before you did that shit to me, even before you left Calum.

Well, he's mine now.

_sent July 13_

•

Hospital right now, on my. Fucking. Birthday.

I hope you read my texts someday and regret everything you've ever done to him. You never deserved him. You're right, you're nothing but a piece of shit who doesn't deserve someone as good as him. But I'm not good enough to fix him. I'm not what he wants. You need to come back or this will happen again, I'll wake up and see him lying in a pool of his blood on the floor again.

He hit a couple of veins. One of them was big. He lost so much blood. He's being patched up now, and I'm here in the hallway because he cut in too deep. He used one of my knives with the serrated edges. I'm never going to knife-throwing practice again.

_sent July 26_

•

He's asleep now, thank god. I couldn't stop myself from crying. I don't know what to do anymore.

Malikoa stopped by earlier, but she had to clock in at work. "I'll come again later," she told me, "I'm sorry if this ruined your birthday".

She was listless. Emotionless. Like she knew what was happening before I even got the gist. I haven't known Calum that long, a year at the most, and there's still a lot I don't know about him. We talked a bit before she got here. I'm gonna forward it to you.

_sent July 26_

•

 **You:** Mali we're at the hospital rn calum cut in too deep

 **Malikoa:** Which hospital? I'll come by as soon as possible.

 **You:** Luke's. He's still in the er but ill send you the room number when i get it

 **Malikoa:** Okay thank you

 **You:** did this happen before?

 **Malikoa:** Yes, once. But that was three years ago.

 **You:** can you tell me?

 **Malikoa:** I forgot what the reason was exactly. But it was Christmas eve and we just saw Cal in the bathroom, on the floor. He was covered in blood and holding a blade. We got him to the hospital and the doctor said that he should get therapy. We thought the sessions were helping him but..

 **You:** Ah I'm sorry i shouldnt have asked

 **Malikoa:** It's okay, at least you know. You're his friend after all.

 **Malikoa:** Otw. I'll be there in fifteen minutes or less.

 **You:** thanks. Alright I'll text you the number

•

Did you know about that? Did you know that Calum had suicidal tendencies, and _still_ you left him? Do you even have a conscience? What kind of a friend are you?

Well, no. People like you don't deserve to be friends with anyone. You don't deserve him.

_sent July 26_

•

_Ash the mofo_  
**Accept Call**

"Oi."

_"Oi to you too. I'm in Chippendale right now, wanna meet up?"_

"I wish. He with you?"

_"Nah. Too scared."_

"He better be because I will fucking strangle him when I see his face. Or two faces."

_"God, stop."_

"I will when he finally does something right."

_"Ha. Fuck. Ya know what, I called because I wanted to meet up. Not hear this bullcrap from you again."_

"Bullcrap? What bullcrap? Your boyfriend is a fucking sicko and you know it."

_"Geez Luke. Can you not do this right now? I'm not looking for a fight, I just wanted to get a drink with my friend who happens to be turning 19 tomorrow."_

"Fuck you then. Fine, I'll try to come by but don't expect any miracles."

_"Come on it's just for a few hours. My treat at your fave."_

"Ugh, how the fuck am I supposed to say no to that? I'll just go put him to bed."

_"Okay Mrs. Weasley. Don't take too long, I don't have all night."_

"Aren't we gonna stay there until morning?"

_"Hm that's tempting. Maybe until 2."_

"Bloody knew it. I'm gonna go now."

_"Bye."_

**End Call**

•

Sorry.

Apologising to you leaves an awful taste in my mouth, but fuck it. I shouldn't blame everything on you. Calum cuts by his own choice. It just so happens that you were the cause.

I wasn't there for him and I fucking hate myself for it. I was out getting drinks with your boyfriend while he was alone with his thoughts and a safe full of knives. I couldn't protect him from himself. I'm a worthless friend.

But the bullying I had to go through, that was your fault. That was your fucking fault. I almost killed you once and I can fucking do it again.

_sent July 27_

•

**Play Voice Message**

_Michael you fucking bastard. I hate you. I hate you so much. He fucking loves you and he doesn't want to live when you're not beside him and that's fucking stupid. I fucking want to strangle you. I hate you, I fucking HATE you._

_sent September 5_

•

I remember June. It was one of the hardest months.

I moved into his flat the week you left. Everything was a mess. A lot of the furniture was broken, everything I laid my hands on had cuts on them. Even him.

I bought new furniture. I got the walls fixed up and tore down the wall separating his bedroom from mine. I bought a king-sized bed, hid all the cutlery under lock and key and hoped for the best.

I have money to spare. You know that. My parents are well off. But all the material things in the world isn't going to make him feel better.

I wrote two letters: one for the store where he works, and another for my school. One about a resignation, the other about dropping out.

I was literally dropping everything to take care of him.

My parents were mad at me at first. They wouldn't talk to me, and I hate to admit it, but I cried over that. Ben and Jack were supportive, because they know Calum, they know what he's going through. But my mom thought that I was wasting my potential by holing up in some flat at the poor side of town, taking care of a mental nutcase.

Maybe I am, but do I care? No.

I'll do this for him. Because if I don't, who would?

Not you, that's for damn sure.

_sent October 27_

•

I took him to the mall yesterday. I was afraid that I was treating him like a recluse that can't be allowed to mingle with other humans. Like he was some patient at a mental hospital. So I took him out.

We walked around for a bit. Everything was fine. He asked me if I wanted ice cream and I laughed and bought one for us to share, with two extra scoops. He took me inside Nike and showed me the shoes he liked. He led me to the park near his—our—flat and bumped my arm with his shoulder.

He smiled at me, something he has never done since you left, and thanked me for being there for him.

_sent November 12_

•

I found a journal while I was cleaning our room. He said it was for his therapy sessions. I guess I should have known that he would be writing about you.

Funny, I learned a lot more about you than I learned about Calum after reading that damned thing. I learned that you liked black and you had six girlfriends in 2012 alone. I learned that you took one of your girls to prom and ditched her for Calum. I learned that what happened on December 24, 2012 was because of you.

He loved you, even way back when. Even before you even realised that you returned his feelings. He would walk you to school everyday and take you home afterwards. He would attend class even though he didn't want to because he knew you'd be lonely without him. He bought you a guitar for your birthday after starving himself for months. He would write your name in the margins of his journal and had pages full of the colours you dyed your hair and the pictures he took of you over the years. You're so fucking ugly when you cry, you know that?

He wrote you a letter, too. I should send the picture to you but at this point I'm losing hope. What would it matter, anyway? Why should I make an effort to show you how much Calum wants and needs you?

Ashton can turn a blind eye all he wants, but I know he's hurting. I know he reads the texts I send you. I saw his phone. You forward everything to him, don't you?

Well, I'm not like you. I'm not gonna hurt my friend. If he's happy with you, then so be it. But I'm still going to take care of Calum.

And if you think you're going to get rid of me, hell no. I'm still gonna send you updates to make your conscience guilty, if you even have one.

_sent November 20_

•

Remember the two days he was gone? He was with me. I was making him feel better after you decided to start sucking Ashton's dick for fun.

I had a party that Friday. Just a small one, but he was invited of course. I took him up to the rooftop and we slept under the stars. He looked at me and said he wanted to jump, and laughed it off afterwards. I pulled him closer to me until I was enveloped in his warmth.

I didn't know what was going on at the time. All I knew was that he was getting more comfortable with me, holding me by my hips while he nuzzles my neck. We cuddled a lot at parties. Heck, we cuddled a lot in general.

Well, he was using me. He couldn't do that kind of thing with you, not when Ashton was at your flat 24/7. Not when he lies awake at night hearing your moans. Your fucking stupid noises.

He was texting me, you know. He was telling me everything. But he never told me that when I took him to a frat party the next day, he would bash his head with a beer bottle and try to jump off the balcony.

_December 3_

•

At the gun range right now. Took Calum with me after he promised he won't try to shoot himself. Call me stupid but he looks happy, so how can I say no to that gorgeous smile?

_sent December 18_

•

I got him drunk last night. Made him tell me all about his newfound obsession with guns and knives and other sharp things.

He says he likes getting hurt. Pain makes him feel human. Pain makes the Michael in his head stop throwing filthy words at him.

He's at his all time low.

_sent December 26_

•

I'm coming over.

_sent January 9_

•

Almost there. Be ready, I have a gun with me.

_sent January 10_

•

 **You:** Just a few more hours. Did you eat dinner?

 **Cal:** yepppp. Watching gameo frhrones rn ugh im so lost

 **You:** lol good luck with that

 **Cal:** why ya taking so long

 **Cal:** i need my pillow

 **You:** Did you just call me your fucking pillow hahaha

 **Cal:** yes i did

 **You:** Weirdo. Get yourself a girlfriend will ya

 **Cal:** i already have one

 **You:** What?! Why do I not know this?

 **Cal:** bc your my gilrfriend silly

 **Cal:** *girlfriend

 **You:** Haha very funny

 **Cal:** im serious

 **Cal:** i want you to be mine

 **You:** you're just saying that. Don't worry i have michael with me

 **Cal:** what??!!

 **You:** hahaha

 **You:** see what i mean

 **Cal:** no wtf you leave me for two days and you come back w mchael in tow wth

 **Cal:** fckin hell

 **You:** What kind of reaction is that? Arent you excited?

 **Cal:** if scared to fckin death is excited then yes very

 **Cal:** shit where are you

 **Cal:** i need you

 **Cal:** luke

 **Cal:** i need you right now

 **You:** Shit sorry we had a pit stop. Are you okay??

 **You:** cal dont tell me you cut again

 **You:** cal i swear im gonna kill you when i get there

 **You:** cal reply to me oh god

•

_"Luke."_

Laboured breathing. I set down my Coke.

"Hey, hey, I'm here."

Sniffle.

"It's alright Cal. I'm here."

_"I—I don't want to see him."/ A sob. /"I don't want to see him but at the same time I do."_

"You don't have to. He's staying at his parents for now. You don't have to see him if you don't want to."

_"He can't see me like this. I look like shit. I have scars everywhere. He would think I'm a psycho."_

His voice shook. I pursed my lips.

"He won't see you, I promise. And if he thinks you're a psycho I'm gonna kill him, I swear."

_"Kill me before you kill him."_

"Hell no."

_"Why not? I've been nothing but a burden to you for six months—"_

"Shut up." My throat feels dry. I swallow. "You aren't a burden, Calum. I'm going to make you feel better, that's what I promised. I'm not gonna break that."

 _"I already feel better."_ He swallows, too. I fight the urge to scoff. _"I feel better when you're around. I feel like myself. But when you leave my mind starts to wander and it's like I'm back at square one."_

"Having someone around makes you feel better? Tell me more about that."

I ignore Michael's questioning look. He looks at me for a while, an indecipherable emotion on his face, and goes back to the car.

_"No. When other people're around I feel weird. Like they're judging me."_

"Then what do you mean?"

_"It's you, Luke. You're like my antidote, my brain's off switch. My head shuts up when you're beside me."_

I feel my heartbeat speed up against my will.

"It's probably because I distract you."

_"I've got plenty of distractions already. You're not one of those."_

"Right. Well I have to go an—"

_"I mean it. You're not a distraction. You're special to me."_

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I focus on the red gas pump when I open them, reminding myself why I'm all the way here in a remote gas station when I can be binge-watching shitty TV shows with Calum.

"You forgot about Michael. Only for a few minutes, but still."

_"I did, didn't I?"_

"That's nice. We should celebrate when I get home."

_"Celebrate how?"_

"I'm gonna buy cake. I don't know how to bake for shit, you know that."

_"I do. I'll bake the cake."_

"Do we even have ingredients?"

_"I'll check."_

"Okay. Call me later alright?"

_"I will."_

"Bye."

_"Bye. I miss you so much."_

I ended the call and closed my eyes with a sigh.

This isn't the time to entertain romantic feelings for Calum.

•

"Why're we here?"

I hop out of the car. Sitting with him for four straight hours is pure torture, the likes of which can only be given as a gift from satan himself. Or Christian Grey, if you like that shit.

"I'm gonna buy cake, isn't it obvious?" I snap. It turns out we didn't have enough ingredients to make one, and I sure as hell am not letting Calum anywhere near the kitchen.

He looks up from his seat, clear annoyance in his eyes. His gaze settles on the signage at the front.

"A fancy one? This is expensive ass shit."

"It's for Calum." I grit out. He quiets down.

I step into the shop. I bought a cake here before, for my mother. She liked the red velvet cake with pink icing and pink everything. She's such a girl.

I hover over to the chocolate cakes section, looking for a suitable one for Calum. Almost all of them had exaggerated designs of some sort. I just wanted a plain one.

"Good morning sir. Are you looking for a specific cake?" An attendant asks me. She was short and had wavy blond hair pulled back in a bun, and she's looking at me with an odd sparkle in her blue eyes. "Is this for someone special?"

"Yes." I say, and I immediately regret it.

She takes me to a section where the cakes were decorated with red glitter and hearts, signed with I love you's and "Happy anniversary's.

"We aren't together." I felt my cheeks heat up.

"He doesn't even like me." I add as an afterthought. Her expression turns pitiful, and she leads me to another section where I spot a black and gold cake.

It was one of the cheaper ones, shelved with the plain coloured DIY cakes that have probably been there for months, untouched.

"I'll take this." I gesture to the cake. She frowns, obviously not wanting me to buy it, but takes it from the fridge anyway.

"Nice choice."

I turn. Michael shifts on his feet. "He'd like that a lot."

"Of course you'd know that. He's your best friend." I spit out the words like venom. He has the decency to stay quiet.

I load the cake into the backseat and drive Michael to his parents' house. For some reason, I was hoping that Calum wouldn't want to see him. I was hoping I could keep him to myself.

•

_"Mind if I sat with you?"_

_I look up from my phone. Some guy wants to sit with me._

_"Sure." I mumble. My fingers shook as I slipped my phone back in my pocket, where I could feel the handle of my swiss army knife._

_"My father handled your case, you know."_

_I froze. My case?_

_"How did you—"_

_"He told me." The guy shrugged. His dark eyes were piercing into my soul. "He wants me to know about things like that. A teenager attempting frustrated murder isn't exactly normal or accepted behaviour, you see."_

_I couldn't breathe. That was two years ago. I've lived in peace for two years. Why is a stranger, of all people, bringing it up?_

_"You evaded prison because you were diagnosed with a disorder." He says it without contempt, stating it like fact. I look at him, mouth agape, as I try to figure out what to say. "How's the treatment going?"_

_"Fine." I croak out. He hums and nods._

_"Well, sorry if I creeped you out. I'm Calum." He offers his hand. I raise one sweaty palm and shake it._

_"Luke."_

_"Luke Heathrow?"_

_"Luke Hemmings." I mumble. He nods._

_"Calum Hood." He squeezes my hand and lets go. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone at school."_

_He smiles and stands up. He leaves before I could say another word._

•

I stumble into the flat at 10AM, could already feel my eyelids drooping as I pushed the door shut behind me. Immediately my eyes search for Calum, and they land on a sleeping figure on the couch.

I set down the box and walked towards him. The TV was still on, turned to National Geographic. I turn it off.

The couch I bought was a sofa bed, just because I knew that Calum liked his sleep. The previous one he had was a white one from Ikea, splattered with blood and missing chunks of its upholstery when I first moved in.

I settled in beside him and close my eyes. I feel relief wash over my body. Finally, I'm home.

Later I wake up to strong arms wrapped around my waist, and lips pressed to my forehead. I open my eyes to Calum's face dizzyingly close to mine.

"Hey, you." He says, grinning. I clutch his forearm, letting my fingers trail down the scars.

"How long was I out?" I ask. He shrugs.

"It's dark out."

"Oh."

I close my eyes and burrow further into him. He sighs and pulls the blanket up to my chin.

"Still tired? I thought we were gonna celebrate."

"We will." I frown. "Why don't you eat the cake?"

"I can't cut it."

"Oh." I wanted to laugh at my own stupidity. I forgot that I kept our knives locked away.

I stand and walk to the kitchen. I had someone install an industry-grade lock to one of the cupboards out of concern for Calum's safety, and also my own paranoia. I discovered months ago that this single cupboard was much harder to crack than my hundred-dollar safe.

I fiddle with the lock. It came loose with three turns.

I force the door open and reach for the chef's knife at the very back. Then I lock up the cupboard again and head back to Calum.

He was sitting up now. The box had migrated from the counter to the coffee table.

He looks up at me as I approached, then his eyes drop to my hand holding the knife. I was painfully reminded of our situation.

"Show me a trick." He says, eyes focused on the blade. I shake my head, sitting in front of the cake.

"Why not?"

"I thought I was your antidote." I say, letting my lips turn up in a smile as I open the box. "When did that stop being true?"

"You _are_ my antidote." He says. My hand shook as I cut the cake. "Holy shit that looks awesome."

"Yep." I cut out an ugly slice and slide it onto one of the plates. "Eat."

He takes the plate from my hands. I wash the knife and put it back where it belongs.

"Aren't you gonna eat?" He asks as I settle down beside him.

"Not hungry." I lean onto him, letting my head loll onto his shoulder.

"Stupid. You didn't eat at all during the trip."

"I did."

"You didn't." He said sourly. "If you did you'd smell like KFC."

I snort, then laugh. He grins up at me, hand resting on my knee.

"Am I _that_ predictable?"

"Hell yes. You're like KFC's biggest fuckboy."

I laugh again. This time, when I fall silent, a thought enters my head: How long is this going to last?

I don't want to lose him. I don't want to wake up knowing that he was with someone else. Was it so selfish that I want him for myself?

"Oi." He nudges my cheeck with his knuckle. "You okay?"

"I should be asking you that." I mumble.

"Well I'm the one who's asking. So tell me."

"It's nothing."

"It's not nothing." His fingers slide across my jaw. I move my head away. "Let me help you for a change."

"It's not important." I say. I wanted to believe that, too. Maybe I could tell him that my feelings were miniscule, that they shouldn't even be considered as part of the equation. Maybe he would believe me.

His hand covers mine, and I look up. "Tell me. Please."

I sigh. Bloody insufferable.

"It's nothing okay? I—I was just thinking, what would happen after this? What would happen when your life is back on track?" I avert my gaze. "What would I do when you leave me?"

Silence. Then he was tapping on my chin, and our gazes meet and somehow something was different, somehow my heart decides to beat a million miles a minute.

"I'm not gonna leave you." He says in a firm voice. I wanted to believe him, but I knew it was inevitable. I knew it would happen one day. "You've been there for me since day one. I'm not about to repay you the favour by packing up and leaving. You won't get rid of me that easily."

I nod.

"Okay." I close my eyes.

In my rare moments of weakness, I often thought to myself, what the fuck did I do to deserve this? And often my brain would come up with hundreds of answers to that question, but none of them felt right at all.

"You don't believe me?" He was whispering now, as if afraid that he would break the spell between us if he spoke too loudly.

"You don't understand." I bit my lip. "You don't understand."

My voice broke at the end. My eyes stung. He pulled me to his chest, and I let the flood gates open.

"Fuck, it just hurts. It hurts because I'm the one who's always here for you but you still look for Michael. It hurts because I know that you would always pick him over me, that I'm just an afterthought to you. It hurts because I would never be important to you. It hurts because I've been trying to help you for six fucking months when it could've taken Michael a fucking phone call just to make you feel better. It hurts because no matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I sacrifice my schooling and my social life and my everything to you, you won't care. You won't care because I'm not the one you need."

He was quiet. My hands were shaking and I clasp them together.

"I'm sorry." He whispers.

That's all he says.


End file.
